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I love to read revert stories. It is amazing to me how
people come to know about the love of Allah and the way of life in
Islam, and how many come to the conclusion that Islam is the Truth
out of many different ways of life. This is a miracle of our
faith.
I would like to tell you how I too found the Truth.
Part of this was written when I moved to Virginia around December
2002.
Childhood
I was born and raised in West Virginia in a Christian
family. My father was a Jew. Needless to say we never talked much
after my reversion to Islam, not that we really talked much before
then. My father and mother divorced when I was only 1 year old. My
older sisters said it was because I was born a female, and he had
wanted a male. I think he was a man that could not handle the
responsibilities of his actions. So he left my mother with four
daughters to raise and support without his help. Thus, we grew up
very poor.
My father died in July of 2003 as a Jew. He refused to
talk to me during those last few years since I reverted to Islam. We
did talk a little before then. I am afraid that when I was older and
met my father, I did not like him as a man. My mother believed in
God but also was a scientist of some sort. But, al-hamdu
lillah, she believed in charity and in helping others. I came
from a mostly Christian family that knew fear of God and practiced
it to the best of their ability. In the area where I grew up, people
did even know what a Muslim was, and they certainly never saw a
woman walking down the street wearing hijab!
I started playing the flute when I was only five and
became a professional flute player when I was only 12. I also played
many other instruments, such as the oboe, the saxophone, and more. I
even made good money playing in jazz groups and symphonies. My
family never really had time for me. I was dropped off at my
grandparents' house a lot, and because my grandfather was bedridden,
my grandmother never truly had time to care about what I did.
Fortunately for me, I never sought out bad things. I was just busy
with my flute and music. This was my life and my only love in
life.
My mother was a social worker; she was out saving the
lives of many children who were handicapped or had mental
disabilities. She got them out of abusive homes and placed them into
safer homes. I was proud of her for that. But when I needed her as
my own mother, she was just not there. I guess she could not save
all the children in the world, so someone had to be left out. I
basically raised myself.
The only thing that gave me love in this world was my
flute, my music, and my many music teachers. I led, I am afraid, a
life of no love and of not being wanted. My older sisters didn't
have time for me or time to even care. They had their own issues to
deal with. My immediate elder sister, who was only a year older than
me, and she was always saying to me that it was my fault that they
all had to grow up without a dad. It was thus not unusual for this
one sister to beat on me a lot. Consequently, this caused me, I
think, to grow up as a very shy and timid person.
I didn't
remarry after my last divorce due to religious reasons at that
time. |
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This truly hurt me. I knew I was just a child, and that
it was not my fault that I was born a girl. I now say "al-hamdu
lillah" when I hear a daughter is born because I am a mother now
and have a grown-up daughter who is a blessing to me. I loved
knowing how Islam prohibited burying the female infants. Given my
background, this itself made a big impression on me when I came to
read about that. Daughters can and will bring a big blessing to you.
This is very true. My own daughter has been a blessing to me in many
ways.
I joined the US Navy when I was 18. At that time, I had
an excellent memory of what I read and saw, which was very useful to
our government. However, I came out disillusioned, disabled, and mad
at the world.
I then played the oboe and flute in a symphony
orchestra. I got married a few times and divorced each time, mostly
due to abuse. I was looking for something but didn't know what! I
even went blind for two years, which was not fun. But looking back,
I can say "Allah Akbar!"
Those years did teach me compassion and patience. Allah
was there all the time — I just didn't seek Him as much as I needed.
I also broke my ankle very severely and was in a wheelchair for
almost a year, then used a four-legged walker, then a three-legged
cane, and then finally a one-legged cane Again, Allah sent me
lessons to help me learn patience. These were tests from Allah. He
was there for me all the time, but it was during my blindness when I
truly started to seek Him by studying various beliefs and ways of
life. It was during this blindness that I could truly
SEE!
Involvement at the Church
About 6 years ago I started going to a fundamental,
independent, Baptist church. This is the strictest type of Baptist
one could be: high morals and no short skirts. I was already wearing
long skirts before I reverted to Islam. Many times I had asked our
pastor a lot of questions concerning God. When I asked some
questions and told him I wanted to study other religions, he said
that it would not be a good idea and that Satan would use it to draw
me away from the church. He said that studying other religions
showed a lack of faith. Notice that he said "church" and not
"God."
Anyway, he could never answer my questions to my
satisfaction despite having a PhD in theology! I am not putting down
the Christians or Jews when I say this. I am just explaining what
was going on around me at the time. I know many good Christians and
Jews, and I pray that someday they will learn about Islam and this
truly great way of life.
One day
my daughter came to me and asked me if she could revert to
Islam. |
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I was a part of the music ministry at the church. One
day I walked into the back of the church to the music room and found
two people backbiting me. They said that since I was divorced I
should not be up front playing music, even though I was very good at
it and people loved to hear me play. Who was she to judge me, I
wondered. I had been a very moral woman — I didn't drink, smoke, go
out with men, or do anything of that nature. This was a turning
point in my life. I was divorced but I did have very high standards.
Please understand that not all American women have loose morals. I
am afraid the TV portrays us this way.
I didn't remarry after my last divorce due to religious
reasons at that time. According to some Christian beliefs, if one
gets a divorce without it being due to adultery, then it is advised
to never remarry unless the man dies. If one did remarry, then that
would be considered a form of adultery. I never wanted to have that
title in life, and so I didn't marry again. I did try to practice my
old religion to the best of my ability. I never dated since then
either and lived a good, clean life. I worked hard and supported
myself and my teenage daughter. Al-hamdu lillah, she is now
21 and married, and I have a wonderful grandson from her named
Jibriel. And another grandchild is on the way. Allahu
Akbar.
I quit playing the flute at that time in front of
people. I would sometimes pick it up to keep up the practice, but no
more on a professional basis. After my conversion to Islam, I never
played the flute again. But the flute did save me from harm while I
was growing up as a young child and then a young adult as I was
involved with it instead of doing other harmful things. So in a way,
it led me to an Islamic way of life. I also quit going to that
church and stayed away from it. I continued to check out many books
from the library on religions and studied them. Some of these were
actually audio books because I could not see enough to
read.
Reversion to Islam
About that time also, I met a Muslim lady who had moved
to our town. She gave me a few pamphlets on Islam which I read.
Although I did not revert, she did open up a door for me to the
inside life of a Muslim. I liked how she practiced her faith by
being nice and honest to all. She not only talked about Islam but
also walked Islam! I am thankful to her — may Allah reward her
greatly.
My daughter was in college at that time where she met
some friends. After visiting Minnesota, she loved it there and liked
the college where her friends went. Consequently, we also moved to
that area. She moved first because I was in the middle of classes at
my own college (I went back to school when I had her almost raised
and she did not need me quite as much). She met some Muslim people
from Sudan, Pakistan, and the UAE and started studying Islam. By
then, I too had been looking more and more into Islam. It was one of
the religions I was studying. For one reason or another, I kept
coming back to studying Islam and the Qur'an again and again until I
came to realize Islam to be the truest religion. I never told my
daughter that I was studying Islam those past years. I kept it to
myself. At that time I was truly a Muslim but did not confess
it.
He
continued with the classes and actually studied Islam longer
than he was required by the contract. About six months later
in February, 2002, he declared the
Shahadah. |
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One day my daughter came to me and asked me if she
could revert to Islam. She had a very scared look on her face as she
knew that I was a strong Baptist woman.
I only said, "Oh! Why?"
She told me that the lady she had been talking to told
her to ask my permission because of what the Qur'an states about the
importance of the mother. I questioned her to make sure she knew
what she was talking about. She just sat there with a very scared
look on her face, afraid of what I might say! Sure enough, she
understood Islam very thoroughly. I then confessed to her that I had
also been studying Islam. This came as a surprise to her.
A few weeks later, after she had introduced me to her
Muslim friends, we took our Shahadah (Testimony of Faith) together.
We said the statement of faith in front of a group of 12 ladies at a
friend's house. Allah Akbar! It was July 2001.
It is amazing how many people take different journeys
and end up at the same place.
Trials of September 11
Being Muslim has not been easy. As a white, I was part
of the majority where I lived. Now, as a Muslim, I was a minority.
My mother instilled in me very well the belief that color has no
meaning. It is the heart of people that count, not their
color.
Unfortunately, as a new Muslimah, I received a hard
time from some Muslims about certain things, such as wearing hijab.
Hijab should come from the heart! I wish more people would study
Islam and look at their hearts. I have known Muslim women who wear
hijab to the mosque or social gatherings and have great hearts, and
I have met women who wear hijab and even full niqab [editor's
note: niqab means face veil) but who have don't have much
affection for Islam. Some thought that I should dress like them and
act like them. I say that these women looked beautiful in their
native dress. But I was just me! I wore a blue jean skirt, a hijab,
and a long-sleeved blouse. The imam at the mosque told me not to
worry about what some people said to me. To him, I looked properly
dressed for prayer.
After being Muslim for less than two months, another
incident happened. On September 14, 2001, a young man attacked me in
a grocery store. Motivated by his hatred for Muslims, he jammed his
cart into me so hard that it cut my back, ankles, and one of my
legs. The force pushed me into the shelf of cans, causing one of the
shelves to fall down on me. As the cans hurled down, they cut my
head and hands. Some of the cuts later required stitches. The aisle
happened to be in the view of the store security camera, which
captured the man as he was about to run away. The authorities soon
caught him. He stayed near me and didn't run far. I think he was
truly amazed at what he himself had done. He later said that he
thought I was an Arab, as if that was a reason enough to hurt
someone. He was surprised that I spoke clear English. He was further
amazed when he came to know that I was a disabled American
veteran.
He was facing serious charges. I gave him the choice of
either going to jail or attend lecture on Islam in ten one-hour
sessions. He chose the lectures. I made sure that if he did not come
to the lectures, then I would retain my rights of recourse with the
court system.
That very morning, I had just read a hadith about our
wonderful Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) who had trash
dumped on his head every morning. One morning he was not treated
this way and he went to check on the neighbor who was found to be
sick. He had compassion for this person. Having read this on the
same morning of the incident, what else could I do? I too had a
daughter about the same age as that 20-year-old man. One mistake
could ruin the life of this young man. Would I not want compassion
for my daughter if she did something like this? He had been a good
college student and was just young and had not received any
education about Islam. Sometimes when one does not know about
something, it can be scary.
He continued with the classes and actually studied
Islam longer than he was required by the contract. About six months
later in February, 2002, he declared the Shahadah. I was so
very happy when I got that e-mail from him. I had moved out of the
area where he was living. He then joined the local Muslim Students
Association and engaged in da`wah (inviting people to Islam)
work. Allah Akbar!
Every day, I look at the scars that I received from
that attack, and I feel happy. I remember where they came from and I
thank Allah for allowing this to happen.
My Third Year As a Muslim
I finally feel at home in a mosque and at home in my
heart as a Muslim. And I finally feel as if I am praying more
normally and fully, although not as well as I would like to, but at
least I am doing much better than in the beginning. I love how Allah
helped me find the ADAMS Center and the activities that occur there
daily. It is strange that it took me three long years to finally
feel comfortable in a mosque.
My path on Islam has not been easy, but I know I am not
alone, Allah is always with me. And when the trials and tribulations
come, I know they are a test to help me learn to be
stronger.
It is very important that as a Muslim, you practice in
the company of others. Never try to practice your religion on your
own. We need each other to survive in this difficult world. We need
each other for support and to pull us up when we are down. But most
importantly, we need Allah.
As a revert to Islam, each day is a challenge to me,
but I know that Allah is my guide. As a new Muslim, I am, of course,
not going to be perfect, and even when I end this life I will not be
perfect. But I always remember Allah, and I no longer feel alone!
Allah did not promise us that life would be perfect, but I know that
He will not give me any burden that is more than I can stand, and
that He would never leave me.
* This
story first appeared on www.welcome-back.org. It is republished with
kind permission. |